Yes, it’s a thinky post! Because I have been thinking! Always dangerous, thinking about things. Might lead to self-improvement.
The Internet has a lot of open doors. So when we are having a nice cozy chat about celebrity gossip in our chatrooms, the subject themselves (or friends or relatives) could wander over and eavesdrop. Pre-internet, there were fan magazines and gossip magazines, but the chatty conversations were limited to hair salons and kitchen tables and fully private spaces. Now, both the “fan magazine” equivalent and the kitchen table are out there for anyone to read.
(Huh. The answer to this turns out to be “yes, Dean Martin did outlast Jerry Lewis”)
I started thinking about this because it came up on the Vanderpump board that I have been obsessing over since this totally ridiculous celebrity scandal broke. Someone posted saying “don’t be mean, these are real people, we don’t want to drive them to depression etc. etc.”. And there were some really good responses about how, actually, the discourse on this particular board was okay. And I found myself agreeing with the responses. And then I found myself thinking “this isn’t that different from what I would say at a kitchen table and it has the same limits”.
If I am at a kitchen table discussing a celebrity, or really anyone, I may joke about them saying something stupid, or seriously critique their behavior as unkind or wrong. But I wouldn’t say anything about a physical handicap, wish them harm, or critique their body. There’s lines you just don’t cross, as a Human Person, in any situation.
Still doesn’t mean I necessarily want the person to overhear me in my “kitchen” or wander into my chat room! And I think that is kind of fair. If I’m talking with the kitchen door open and you wonder by, you can tell this is clearly a private conversation not intended to be heard. If you feel hurt by it, well, you are eavesdropping after all. If I am in an internet chatroom talking about a celebrity, the same rules apply. Yes, in theory the actual person could read it. But they would have to seek it out and “eavesdrop” on a conversation that was not intended for them.
And all of this is totally different from seeking a person out and saying horrible things to them in person! To put it in high school girl terms, it’s one thing to gossip about the most popular girl in school and how you think her new hair style is terrible. It’s a totally different thing to write an anonymous note and leave it in her locker saying her hair style is terrible.
I think these are things most of us who have been active online for a while are aware of? It’s the same as learning proper social behavior in any setting, you observe and adapt and understand. Even in a chat room setting, you never wish harm to anyone or use lowblow insults, but beyond that you can say anything you want and celebrities beware if they seek out the conversation to listen. Never EVER direct message a stranger unless it is to say something kind, that is crossing a line. But if a stranger appears in the chatroom where you have been discussing them, you don’t necessarily have to “apologize” either, they sought you out, they risked seeing unpleasant things about themselves.
I’m not sure if I’m being clear, but I guess what I am getting at is when I myself have occasionally stumbled onto my blog being linked and people saying I am wrong or missing the point or whatever, that’s fair play to them. I published the thing, you have a right to say what you want about it. However, when someone direct messages me on twitter or elsewhere, that is something totally different. In that case, if you are being unkind, I don’t have to take it, I can block you and ignore you and report you. That’s very different from discussing somewhere I can’t “hear” you.
At the same time, I try (although I may not have always succeeded) to maintain healthy critique levels here. Yes, I do not like Ranbir Kapoor. But I am not going to wish him physical harm, just as I wouldn’t wish that on any person in the world. And I’m not going to critique him for things out of his control, like being too short or too tall or having a big nose or anything like that. But there’s no reason I can’t say mean things about his acting, his interview quotes, all kinds of things like that. I’m in a “private” setting talking about a public figure, it’s allowed.
Does that make sense? Did I articulate the same things you feel without having articulated them before? Am I missing a major “internet etiquette” thing that we have learned?
There’s plenty of terrible stories about “doxing” and “revenge porn” and obsessive harassment of celebs, I feel like it’s important to recognize that there is actually accepted codes of behavior that we all abide by in the internet society and people should know when they are breaking those codes. It doesn’t just happen “without meaning to”, it happens on purpose and most folks are polite enough not to do those things.
