Oh boy, a thinky post! About a topic on which I have NO personal experience! Which means I will be trying to articulate what I observed, but also trying NOT to offer judgement or advice because people without kids who judge people with kids are the Worst People.
I started thinking about this a few weeks ago when I was driving down a busy street. I was in a hurry, I saw a young woman about to cross the street and accelerated so I could get by before she started instead of waiting. And right after that, I saw a tiny tiny little girl running across the street with her Dad in the middle of the block to get to their car, and I hit the brakes HARD. I should say, they weren’t running in front of my car, her Dad was there holding on to her, if I’d done the same thing as before and accelerated he would have waited for me to pass and crossed during the next gap in traffic. But I had an immediate “nope, small child, hitting the brakes, she gets to cross without pause”. It was a moment of LITERALLY stopping the world to slightly ease the way of this child. And it made me think about that instinct, that innate human instinct, to turn the world upside down in order to protect a child.
When I say “protect”, I don’t mean like the big macho beating off a hundred goons kind of protect. I mean like protecting them from ever hearing ugly anger, or feeling unloved, or learning too soon that there is no Santa Claus. Giving them a feeling of total safety and love as long as possible because the world will take it away soon enough.
That’s such a natural human instinct that it is hard to even put into words what is wrong when it is broken. Or I guess, it’s impossible to explain to someone how they failed as a parent if they don’t get it. It’s the “I” statements, that’s the sign that they don’t get it. “I left my kids with my parents for two years because I had to pursue my dreams”. “I hate my mother and I just had to have it out with her right then”. “I fell in love and couldn’t say no so I had to leave my family”.
I’m sounding judgey. Obviously parents are also people and they can only parent well if they protect their own needs. But there’s a line, isn’t there? Maybe the line is just CONSIDERING your kids? Like, you fall in love and leave your family but feel super guilty and worried about your kids and make sure you stay in touch with them. Versus, you fall in love and leave your family and just kind of stop thinking about any consequences at that point. And if anyone says to you (including your own children), “how could you do that? That was hurtful” your response is “But I had to do it FOR ME! Why won’t you understand?”
The reason I am thinking about this, along with the whole “apparently the world stops so a little girl can feel safe crossing the street” experience, is the combo of Jawan and Tiger 3 releasing back to back. Jawan has these marvelous messages of parental love and protection, but although the parents in the film go above and beyond, they never really have to confront a choice between themselves and their kids.
(lovely song, but think about this. What if Deepika had chosen to try to escape jail and execution and go live a simple life somewhere with no worries about revenge or anything because that would be best for her son? And then Shahrukh grew up and was furious she hid his past from him, and she took his anger because it was worth it knowing she gave him a safe happy childhood?)
In Tiger 3, there is that choice. Morality, ethics, the very heart of who you are in the world, versus the safety of your child. And BOOM, they pick their kid. Not even one second of hesitation. I really liked that. In the abstract, I would prefer if Super Spies picked the safety of the world over their child, but as a movie message I very much appreciated saying “no, your kid should come first”.
Most people aren’t Super Spies. Most people are more along the lines of “go out with friends to a bar or go to my kid’s school play”. But in cultures where having children is the default, I am shocked by how often the choice is “skip the school play”.
What I think of as “normal” parenting means you don’t just go to the play, you WANT to go to the play, it gives you greater joy and happiness than anything else you could be doing with your time, and you feel super sad and disappointed if you can’t make it. But I guess if you think of your kids as kind of accessories to a normal life, as a given, as something that is a bit of a duty, maybe it does feel like a drag to do these things?
I’m not sure I am saying this well, I guess what I am saying is that the base line of good parenting is instinct, that immediate “I will always put you first” feeling that informs every moment of your life at least until they are safely adults. And if you don’t have that instinct, there’s no way to explain it to you. Looking at movies, you can see the films that really feel that instinct versus the ones that only use parenting as a plot device, as something with big speeches and high drama.
If I think about the best illustration of what I mean, it is Bajrangi Bhaijaan. Salman isn’t even a parent in that, he is just the foster uncle in charge of a little girl for a little while. But beyond the big fight scenes and all the macho stuff, we see in every moment of interaction between them that instinct to keep her feeling safe. He plays with her, he keeps her warm, he keeps her fed, and he knows that being the person with that instinct is the most important thing, that she is safest with him BECAUSE he loves her that much and you need that kind of love to care for a child.
